So a little time has passed since my Dad has died and I've had a lot of people checking on me, which is great.  I'm a people person, and the more people around me the better.

The answer to everyone's question "How are you doing?" - is good- I'm really, really good.  Sometimes I feel I'm a little too good.  We're only about 2 weeks out and I've already had a handful of days where I haven't cried once the whole day.  Which then feels weird...and makes me sad... that I'm not sad.  Oh grief, you are a weird one.

I think part of the reason I've had some good days is because I've been grieving my Dad's loss for a year now, ever since his diagnosis.  Watching him deteriorate was a grieving process.  Getting horrible news at the doctor's office was a grieving process.  His death feels like the first page of the final chapter in my own "book of grief." 

I'm by no means an expert on grief.  But I've learned one thing is true: you never get over losing a parent.  Whether you lose them when you're young or when you're old, it always hurts.  You miss them every moment of every day.  I compare it to someone who has lost an arm or a leg by amputation.   You never FORGET you're missing your leg, but you learn how to live with the physical and emotional obstacles of it.


I talked to my Dad or saw my Dad every single day of my life...my kids did too.   His absence and not being there at regular everyday things like hockey games, soccer games, or just going out to dinner is hard.  Everytime I remember he is gone it knocks the wind out of me. 

I'm trying to get used to his absence but its nearly impossible, it feels like a bomb went off in one room of our house, and we are living day to day with this big crater, where something huge is obviously missing.  But we're learning how to tip-toe around the damage left behind and slowly but surely we will start picking up pieces of wreckage and putting them away until life starts feeling a little normal again. 

I have complete closure in my heart with my Dad's death, but I'm not used to him being gone yet.   I know in my heart he is happy and content in a better place.  I don't think he had any business left down here to take care of.  His soul is truly at rest.  I know my Dad is with me all the time, but I try not to over think things.   I don't assume every time I hear a Lynyrd Skynyrd song or see a silly duck that it's my Dad trying to send me signs or contact me from the beyond.  Most of that stuff is silly and pure coincidence.

But there is this one thing I can't stop shaking my head at.

It's this silly commercial.  A commercial that features my very own house.

About 2 months ago-  through pure, dumb luck- we were asked if Enterprise Rent-a-Car could film a national commercial at our house.  The money was good, and let's face it: The Mannos don't ever exactly turn down an opportunity for attention, so we signed the contract and the shoot date was set.

We knew absolutely nothing about the script- nothing, not one detail... until the day before filming. 

When a member of the film crew started explaining the premise you could have picked my jaw up off the floor.  It's like someone based the entire commercial off my real life, and a funny situation my Dad and I were often in when I was younger.  Even down to scary details.  Go ahead and watch the extended length commercial below.

I sit here staring at a blinking cursor.  Not sure of what to write.  I have so much to say but no words to say it.  Any words I use at this point would still fall short of what I actually feel in my heart for you people.

And by "you people" I'm specifically talking to each and every one of you who helped pay for my Dad's funeral.

His goodbye was simple and beautiful, and I've never met a man who deserved it more.  The line to greet my family at the visitation was winding out the door and through the halls, and his actual service was standing room only-  kind of like a playoff baseball game.  He would have liked that.  We were surrounded by people who love us - friends and family - standing by, strong and still.
We are healing, but it is still hard.  I allow myself to completely fall apart for 10 minutes each day.  Either on my bed, in my car, in the shower, wherever I need to do it...usually in the mornings before the kids are up, or in my car alone.  I just let the tears fall for 5 or 10 minutes because sorrow has a place here too, and it needs to be felt.  But then I wipe the tears and go on, because while his work down here is done, mine is not.

I gave his eulogy, we played Lynrd Skynrd during the service, and made sure there was a large-mouth bass right in the center of his floral arrangement.  He was surrounded with photos from his life; some that made us laugh, some that made us cry. 

I'm not sure if it's appropriate to take a photo at a funeral.  But I figured you guys paid for it, you might want to see it.

Do you see that little mallard duck in the middle?  Yeah, that's his urn!  How cool is that?

When we were at the funeral home, making his plans, we walked into the casket/urn room and took turns examining each one, holding them up and passing them around between me, my mom, my brother, my husband, and my aunt.  They were all gorgeous ornate pieces.  Many were hand-designed with top quality embellishments.   They were beautiful.

But none of them seemed to "fit" my Dad…until we saw "The Duck."  I held it up in my moms face  and said "Quack Quack" she instantly yelled "No way Kelly!  People are gonna think were hoosiers!"  

Really Mom… half my family looks like they belong on Hee-Haw and your porch furniture doubles as living room furniture on Holidays...suddenly we're concerned with our image?  LOL

But we talked her into it and now everyone just loves the idea…especially the grandkids.  It's really helped their healing to tell people their Paw Paw is in a duck and they can hold him or pet him anytime they want. 

Let's talk a little about these donations.

My husband was the one who set up the you caring website.

My Dad passed on Monday, I was laying in my parents bed Tuesday night, the same one my Dad had slept in the night before.  I was trying to get Libby Lu to fall asleep so I could as well (My brother and I took turns spending the night with my mom so she wasn't alone).  When Jimmy's email came through and I saw he had set the goal at $2500... I thought he was crazy.  I instantly wanted to lower it to $1000 - after all, there is all kinds of sickness, unfairness, and unjust things happening all over the world at any give time.  There are so many people who need help besides us.  

I cried myself to sleep that night-  a mixture of concern for how we would bury him and pain from missing my Dad.  I laid on his pillow, content smelling his stinky, outdoor, working man smell and drifted off to sleep.  When I woke up the next morning I learned that not only did we hit the $2500, we surpassed it.  By a lot.  The final tally on the you caring site was $4700 last I checked.  

Any attempt at threading beautiful words together to tell you how grateful I am of this still seems unworthy. 

I want you to know the actual cost  of my Dad's funeral was $3,500.   Which was the most bare bones, small scale event you could have.  With the surplus monday we've made a payment towards my moms overdue mortgage, which still leaves us with a little money left over that we are going to roll into the trivia account.

So what is the trivia account?  Well I'm glad you asked.   Only the most rocking, fun, trivia night you will EVER go it in your WHOLE life :)   After all, I will be there :) :) :)  You show up with 7 of your closest friends.  Pay $20 at the door (per person) and enjoy music,  games, and free beer and soda!   TABLES MUST BE RESERVED IN ADVANCE  CALL ME OR EMAIL ME 314-809-7625  or kellymanno@yahoo.com

So,  here's the deal.   This trivia event was planned months ago to help my mom with medical bills.  Never dreaming he wouldn't be here to enjoy it.  As you can tell by the wording above, I designed and printed these flyers way before he passed.

He will even has his own category at the trivia night that he helped me come up with; we thought he would be there to read the answers for everyone.

I thought about canceling the whole thing after the generosity and donations towards the funeral.  But I didn't for 2 reasons:

1. I've already made a large non-refundable deposit on the room.

2. There are a couple more things I'd like to get tied up for my mom in order to ease her into her new life.

It is very likely that my mom is going to have to take on a second job…which is okay-  she is young,  she can hang, and she knows this is a real possibility.  But I would like to get her mortgage paid up to date for the next 2-3 months so she can at least have a small grieving period before she has to start working 70 hours a week.

The heater and air conditioning in her mini-van also went out last year.  My Dad was going to "look into it" before it got cold, and of course that can't happen now, and with our horrible winters we have to get that taken care of. 

My mom is also self-employed and no longer has access to health insurance through my Dad's work. She is diabetic, so I'd like to get her into see her primary as soon as possible using the left over money to cover the visit and just make sure she is up to date on her bloodwork and medicine for as long as possible.

Whatever is left will start hacking away at medical bills.  

With our efforts, and the help of those who love us, I think we can make this transition a little easier for my mom.  And all you have to do is show up and have an awesome time!